What the F&*CK is wrong with me? Postpartum Depression.

So for those of you who are new to my blog this is a little more into detail about Postpartum rather than my story. Feel free to read my first blog post about my story and about how my postpartum started.

So I was 2 weeks postpartum, my daughter was getting used to being in the world and we are adjusting as a family; my daughter was also the calmest baby I have ever seen. All I could think about all day long is everything possible that could go wrong. There were times that I was scared to even hold my daughter. My mind would run at 1,000 miles per hour about oh my god what if were walking down the street and someone comes speeding down the street and I have to push her stroller into the grass and I get hit by a car? Oh my god what if I drop her? What if something fell on her? What if I fell asleep while she was awake and crying and I didn’t hear her? The what if’s didn’t stop! I thought this was all normal New Mommy anxiety.

Well its been about 2 months now and I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to take care of my daughter, I don’t even want to take care of myself; but I pushed myself to get out of bed and get my daughter taken care of because I knew she needed me. There were days that I didn’t even eat. Days that I would just sit there and cry because I felt like I wasn’t loving my daughter enough or loving my spouse like I should. Almost like emotionally numb. The days turned into nights and the nights turned into days faster than you could blink your eyes.

I am now 5 months postpartum with my daughter and I couldn’t take it anymore. The thoughts started getting worse. The thoughts turned into skits in my head almost like a short movie; Me sitting in my car in a garage ‘which we don’t even have a garage’ letting the car run and me dying. No crazy thoughts about hurting my daughter but I just kept having these crazy thoughts about me dying or getting hit by a stray bullet and freaking out because it was heartbreaking even thinking of me not being here with my daughter or boyfriend. I love them to the moon and back but these thoughts are driving me crazy!

My boyfriend knew that I was stressed and anxious but he never knew to what extent. So I decided I needed to reach out to him and let him know exactly what was going on. I told him everything and just cried as he comforted me in his arms. Knowing that he finally understood my depression and anxiety was kind of a relief. My next step was getting help.

At this time I currently do not have insurance, so finding help has been really rough for me. I used to have Medicaid while I was pregnant then lost it shortly after I had my daughter. At my postpartum visit with my OBGYN at 8 weeks she didn’t even ask me how I was feeling mentally. Like how do you just avoid the question? Postpartum depression affects 1 in 7 moms! Thats quite a few! So I reached out to a few places about being seen by a Psychiatrist and a Therapist for help with my Postpartum Depression. Im not working at the moment. I am a stay at home mom and my boyfriend covers all the bills. Most places said that they didn’t work with anyone on payment or on scholarships until my mom found a place yesterday. They have an initial visit fee of $400.00 but that covers a full evaluation with a Psychiatrist and a treatment plan. I am really hoping that I will get my journey to recovery of postpartum depression started so I can get back to feeling normal.

Are you suffering from postpartum depression?

If you are feel free to reach out and message me.

Sometime’s it helps to share your feelings with someone else that is going through the same thing as you.

There are a lot of mommy groups as well just for postpartum depression.


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