So today is September 24th, 2016 5:13 P.M. the sound of the TV and thunder is filling my head. The house is clean, the laundry is going and the baby is fed. My boyfriend is flipping through the channels as I sit in our office typing this. My life can’t just be filled of cleaning, taking care of the house, taking care of my daughter and sometimes taking care of myself. Well lately that’s all its been. What happened to Christina?
Lets start in the beginning. I’m originally from Florida and I have moved around quite a bit. I was a quite a Helion in High school; needless to say I was dating a guy that was a piece of shit and I did drop out and my parents decided it was best to move to North Carolina with my Aunt and Uncle for a little until I figured things out and they got through their divorce. I was also 17 turning 18 at the time. Well a year went by, I made some friends but didn’t end up pursuing anything besides working for Starbuck’s for about 6 months (which I must say is a great first job). So my options were to come back to Florida and deal with everything or move to Texas and my sister in Texas would help me get my GED and start working and get my shit together. So I did! I moved to Texas, got my GED and my own apartment in about 4 months. I starting working a full-time job at a Car dealership and was working as a shot girl on the weekends for a small country bar. Well a year went by and I felt incomplete, I was working a lot of hours and still didn’t know what I wanted to do. In November of 2013 one of my old friends from High School JJ (living in Florida) messaged me on Facebook and we started talking and then starting dating while I was still in Texas. I decided that I needed to move back home (Florida) to go back to school for cosmetology and start my career path.
So in January I did! I moved back home with my dad and me and JJ saw each other the day I got home and instantly it was like love at first sight, well except I’ve seen him before… you guys know what I mean. So I started Cosmetology school and the school I went to ended up being not that great of a school so I got into the Dental field. Back to me and JJ; I moved into JJ’s parents house after about 4 months of dating. It was the kind of move in that I just slowly and slowly kind of brought all of my stuff over. Well its been about 2 years of living at his parents house and we decided we have money saved up, were going to buy our own home!
So we start looking for a house and we find a house! We loved it, it was a small house with a long drive way on a huge lot. The only downfall was it was a 1 bedroom 1 bath, but we decided when in a few years when we were ready we would add onto the house before we had children. So we were in contract! The house was almost ready to go, just a few more steps! We were so close! So on my way home from work one day I was on the phone with my sister and I kept telling her ugh I don’t feel well, I’m tired and cranky! She said go take a pregnancy test and call me back! All I was thinking was no way! I’m not pregnant but I’ll take one just to please her. So I run to CVS on my way home from work, grab 2 pregnancy tests and go home and pee on them. Well I’m sitting there waiting like nope I’m not pregnant. Let me tell you it was not even 2 seconds and 2 lines popped up on the test! Sure as shit I am pregnant! I was panicking and excited! Me and JJ were talking about having a baby in the future but hey we take it day by day! So I run to the phone and called my sister crying like OH MY GOD im PREGNANT!!!! She starts crying and was like yay I knew it. So now to call JJ and tell him. I called him and I was so beyond nervous…..Ring…Ring…Hey babe so I have to tell you something and he goes what? are you pregnant and I was silent for a minute and he’s like you are?! and im like yep!! I don’t think it actually hit him until the Monday after when I had my ultrasound.
So it’s the Monday after and I go to my OBGYN and they take my blood and then send me in for the vaginal ultrasound and the ultrasound technician starts talking to me. This lady was saying yep there is definitely a baby in there! She proceeds to ask me how I would feel if I had twins and I said well I would be just as happy and she goes, well you’re 8 weeks pregnant with twins! Congratulations… I was so excited but also super nervous! I already had images in my head of buying matching outfits and matching cribs! Oh I was so excited! They told me I would need to see a specialist since I was having twins.
So back to the house now. The house that we were about to close on was obviously not an option anymore. A one bedroom one bathroom with twins… Yeah right!
I went to see the specialist for my 9 week appointment, of course they drew more blood and did an ultrasound they said the babies look good but you need to come back next week. So like they said I came back for my 10 week checkup with the perinatal specialist. I got in and bring my boyfriend and it was his first time seeing the twins, we were both so excited! I couldn’t wait to see his face when he saw them. The ultra sound technician did the ultra sound and said nothing. When she finished she said please wait in the waiting room and when the specialist is ready she will call you in. So we wait, and were talking about twin names and were talking about what we would need to buy two of… like I said we were so excited! So the Perinatologist calls us in and sits us down. She tells me that last week the ultrasound looked fine but this week when she looked at it , it seemed to be that one of the twins stopped growing and no longer had a heart beat. I was crushed, I had never cried so hard in my entire life. I felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest. My eyes were puffy and swollen. All I could think is what did I do wrong? Did I lift something too heavy? Did I eat something I wasn’t supposed to? I just couldn’t understand. I was thankful to have JJ there to hold me tight. The specialist told me it happens in 20% of twin pregnancies but there was a very high chance that the surviving twin would be perfectly fine and the surviving twin would absorb the other.
I went home after and just cried… for days. I was still very thankful to have one that survived, but I was still so crushed and hurt to lose one of my babies that I loved so much. So they had me continue going like normal since it was now a normal pregnancy. The entire pregnancy I was so nervous to do anything that now looking back I wish that I wouldn’t have been that way but I can’t change it and I’m thankful to have my daughter here with me. Let me just tell you these 9 months flew by faster than a sneeze! It was like I looked up and I was 9 months pregnant. We also found an amazing house in Boynton Beach, FL a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom with a garage and 2 parks in the neighborhood; just in time to move in and get situated just before little Abilene made her debut!
April 17th, 2016 I was scheduled for my induction at 8:30 P.M so the night before we figured we would watch a movie, stay up late and get some last-minute time together before Abilene arrived. So I wake up the morning of induction at 8:00 A.M. JJ was still asleep in bed and I decided I was going to go check the car and make sure I didn’t forget anything.. but first this pregnant lady HAS to pee. So I run to the bathroom and I felt like I peed a little on myself but a little more than usual. So I go pee and I’m like well its okay I will just go change and then go check the car. So I take off my shorts and walk to our hamper in our room and I got to throw my shorts in there and all of a sudden it was like the Niagara Falls. My boyfriend wakes up and ask’s me if I peed on the floor… I’m like no!! My water just broke. So I make a call to the hospital and Dr. and let them know I’m coming now! I arrive at 8:30 A.M. instead of 8:30 P.M. I thought that was so funny. No contractions just my water leaking everywhere. So I get to my room and they start my IV and they start me on Pitocin since I was not contracting. So about 3 hours into the Pitocin contractions I could not take it anymore so I got my epidural. It was 7:30 P.M. and I was stuck at 6 centimeters, come on! I was beyond ready to meet my daughter! So They check me one last time and they tell me well I don’t think your ready yet but I will check. She goes to check me and says let me go get the Midwife. The midwife comes in and says you’re having this baby within the hour! I said thank you god!!! I called my mom to come back to the hospital room and JJ was already there. I pushed for what seemed like 2 hours but was only 20 minutes and she arrived! We made it! It was the most beautiful experience ever. I got to hold my baby girl in my arms after holding her in my belly for 9 months! So they moved us to our new room and brought the baby to the nursery for testing. The nurse came back with her and said that she was Coombs positive (my blood type was O+ and JJ’s was A+ so her body was trying to reject her blood) so her bilirubin levels were too high and she needed to stay in the nursery under the lights. I freaked out. I just got to meet my daughter and your going to take her from me. I was so upset but they said every 2 hours I could try to breast feed her. She would not latch at all and was not eating so they needed to give her formula. Thankfully 2 days later her bilirubin levels went down enough to where we could go home.
Night one at home with the baby.
I thought this was going to be easy!!! She would not sleep whatsoever! So we finally put her in the rock n play and she was out like a light! So the next day since her bilirubin levels were high we had to take her to the Pediatrician to make sure she wasn’t too yellow in skin and her blood was okay. The Dr. said she was doing great! I was so relieved, but now we have another problem. She’s NOT breastfeeding… I could not get my daughter to breastfeed.. She must be stubborn like her momma. I would just sit there and cry and then cry some more. I gave in and just gave her formula. I would breast feed and then formula feed. It was a never-ending cycle.
So about 2 weeks of having Abilene home I started getting all these crazy thoughts in my head almost like skits. We would be walking down the street and in my head I would think ,oh my god what if someone comes flying down the road and tries to hit us? I would have to push Abilene out-of-the-way and save her. I thought it was just the overprotective mommy in me. Well it wasn’t… The thoughts WOULD NOT STOP! I couldn’t do anything to make them stop. It was like all these scenarios in my head; oh my god what if I dropped her or oh my god that pen could fall and hurt her. What am I thinking.. What is wrong with me? About 3 months in I would get to the point where I didn’t even want to get out of bed or event eat anything; and some days I wouldn’t eat at all; I was starved and going crazy. I just cried and cried to my boyfriend and kept telling him something is not right with me; there is no way a mother feels this way.
So I started to do some research on postpartum depression and what it really was. I didn’t think this was depression at all. I just thought it was me being stressed and my anxiety through the roof. Sometimes I didn’t even want to be around anyone including my daughter. I felt odd bringing it up to anyone but I cried to my mother and my boyfriend and my mother thankfully found a mothers group for women suffering with postpartum depression. I got in to meet the group at healthy mothers healthy babies in West Palm and we started our first session. I just talked and talked and cried. They were so supportive and told me we will find help and get through this together. I was so happy to be on my journey to start loving myself and my family again. I can’t wait to get through this black cloud of Depression. They say that 1 in 7 mothers are diagnosed with Postpartum depression and 80% of mothers go undetected.
Are any of you ladies suffering with Postpartum depression?
Don’t feel like you are alone.
I am here on my journey.
Abilene today at 5 months old: